![]() ![]() I know what you’re thinking and yes I really should get back to my 18% body fat pre kids shape, but until I have the time to spend two hours a day in the gym – again it isn’t happening. They’ve got to have the right cut, stretchy fabric, and some sort of stomach panel. I buy yoga pants with the precision and meticulous research normal people save for purchasing their first home. I know I’m not alone but I take yoga pants wearing to shameful new levels. Shameful? Maybe but I got some much needed sleep. She wasn’t carried away by a colony of ants in the middle of the night and I gave her a bath in the morning. I was exhausted and in no mood to endure the horrible shrill screams my daughter subjects me to during shampooing. I let my child sleep with some marshmallow fluff in her hair. Do I delay bedtime and wrangle two cranky kids into the tub alone, or go about my business as if nothing happened? That’s right. My two-year old daughter rubbed the marshmallow fluff into her hair like candy shampoo while my three-year old soon gleefully cheered her on.Īs I picked the large chunks out of her hair I checked the clock. They were seated and enjoying themselves so I seized the moment, left the room, and got to work on a pile of dishes. I thought it’d be super cute to make my children little mugs of hot chocolate with a dollop of marshmallow fluff on top after a few hours spent playing in the late autumn cold. Please don’t make me sorry for doing your mother this favor.Either way here are a few of my shameful mom confessions for your reading pleasure. But right now, you’ve only got two jobs: first, lose that smug, Ivy League attitude-it’s bothering the hell out of the regulars and second, take this mixture of ammonia and clinical-grade hand soap, and scrub the Eastern Seaboard’s highest-grossing glory hole until there’s no trace left of the previous session. And I’m not saying you won’t ever be a professional writer or even the Poet Laureate of the United States one day. But the fact remains you chose to get two English degrees instead of something with more concrete value. You’re capable of being a doctor or a lawyer or anything else in the world. You know what? I don’t want to have this talk again. And in the real world, people walk into bathrooms and pay good money to insert their private parts into mysterious holes and experience the thrill of what awaits in the darkness. ![]() This isn’t some second-rate internship this is the real world. Is that showing me that you want to work here? That you’re ready to run a glory hole of your own one day? Hell, just the other day you were playing Candy Crush while I was trying to teach you how to properly sand down the inner edges of a circular, three-and-a-quarter-inch, anonymous pleasure-factory. Playing on your cellphone, texting constantly, scouring LinkedIn for a job that doesn’t require you to wear double-ply latex gloves and protective eyewear. I’ll never understand you Millennials, with your entitlement, too good to earn a hard day’s pay, too good to clean a carved-out piece of dry wall just because it’s used for depraved sex meet-ups.ĭon’t think I haven’t noticed all the goofing off you do in your urinal all day. That you felt somehow above this work just because you can “hear all the noises.” I’ll admit it, sterilizing grimy sex-holes at roadside establishments isn’t the most glamorous job in the world, but it’s a job nonetheless. I guess I could tell early on that your heart wasn’t in this. I run the business operations-marketing, financials, accounting, etc.-and you? You take this rag and that spray bottle of disinfectant, and you clean that hole in the wall where strangers stick their genitals. The fact is, you knew what this was all about the day we had our interview in this very stall. Your performance has been subpar at best. I saw a kid who seemed ready to take on any challenge thrown his way, even if that challenge was the upkeep of a glory hole in a Cracker Barrel bathroom off the side of I-95. When we first met, I saw more than just an Ivy League diploma and a pair of Master’s degrees. Someone I could count on to come in every morning ready to work, wanting to learn, and hungry to succeed. A kid with a lot of potential and ambition. ![]() I hired you because you seem like a good kid. ![]()
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